being born lonely is so fucking suffocating bc you feel like no matter what you do or who you’re with deep down you’re just not palatable to other people. something about you is so inherently other and nothing can ever dispel that. and it haunts you w every social situation you walk into but you just have to be okay w it for the rest of your life
learning lately that a lot of confidence is about owning up. like “yeah i’m a little addicted to my phone right now” or “yeah i’m not really over this person yet” or “yeah i still get pretty anxious in crowds” just saying anything at all but then following it up w “but i’m trying to get better” and being super nonchalant and unaffected. so powerful. you would literally be undefeatable in the face of even the most judgmental person. no one can judge you for things you already know about yourself and are trying to improve on. the trick is to know yourself from the inside out, to hold yourself accountable, and to actively improve every day. like that is literally the secret to never feeling like you’re at the mercy of somebody else’s judgment
i just know that my friends were bullying me behind my back. that might be the reason why i don’t feel so into the circle, or i am feeling left behind.
how sad it is na ako lang pala tumuring sa kanila as “friends”
nag resign ako sa last work ko expecting na we’re going to be still be friends pero ang dami ko ng napagdaanan, and i update them not realising na wala naman talaga silang pake. they don’t even check on me.
now, i realized na i have no friends. legit. kahit isa na pwedi ko takbuhan anytime na hindi ako ijajudge, or someone na feel safe to share anything.
around 11:30PM, i saw a post that trigged me. my hand starts to shake, and my tears starts to fall. and then, i remember how hurtful everything become these past few months. when to stop?
please be kind to everyone. it may be for friendship, a waitress, a cashier, in a relationship, family, workmates. etc.
